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Showing posts from January, 2006

State of the Union Address - A Drinking Game

I love My Shelly soooooo much for sending this to me. I hope y'all enjoy it even half as much as I did! LOL!

The George W. Bush 2006 State Of The Union Drinking Game

By Will Durst

What you need:

1. A group of four taxpayers: including one white guy wearing a Suit. Two people wearing jeans; one in a Work Shirt, the other in a Dark Shirt, and one person wearing Rags. Stitched-together washcloths are nice. Four are grouped around cocktail table within sight of television. Newspapers on floor in front of television.

2. A shot glass per person. Everyone brings their own and places on table. Suit picks one first. Then Work Shirt. Then Dark Shirt. Suit takes last one as well, and Rags gets a Dixie Cup with the top scissored off.

3. Five bucks apiece. Everybody antes.

4. Fondue pot with two packages of Li'l Smokies stewing in barbecue sauce on table. Preferably a sauce from Texas. Surrounded by:

5. 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags wrapped around the top.

6. A la…

For the Horror Movie Fans

Here are a couple of spinoffs from the classic horror film "The Shining" that will make you laugh. Thanks to Billy for finding these!

The Shining, with bunnies!

The Shining, as a feel good film?

Don't ban pitbulls, restrict bad dog ownership!

I am not a dog owner, but I do not support restrictions on dog ownership based on breed. To me, it's about as ignorant as saying, "Oh you're from Dallas so therefore you must be a W supporter, have big hair, drive a Cadillac and own an oil well." This is ridiculous legislation, please do what you can to protest this issue.

Here's the link for the American Dog Breeders site:

http://www.adba.cc/p_pdetails.asp?fpid=61

And here's a petition you can sign to protest this legislation:

http://www.petitiononline.com/madokie1/petition.html

I'm old enough to remember when Dobermans were the current dog scare and that turned out to be not true as well. It's not the dog, it's the dog owner.

Coon Ass Humor

Here's one my sweetie sent me the other day and I *love* it! Hope y'all do too... :)

YOU MIGHT BE FROM LOUISIANA IF...........

1. You've ever wore shorts at Christmas time.

2. You pronounce Lafayette as "Laffy-ette" not "La-fay-ette".

3. You learned to drive a boat before you could drive a car.

4. You know the meaning of a "Delcambre Reeboks" (that would be a pair of all white fishing boots).

5. You offer somebody a "coke" and then ask them what kind: Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi, 7Up?

6. You can name all of your 3rd cousins.

7. You plan your vacation around hunting season & LSU football.

8. You greet people with "Ha's ya momma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

9. Every so often, you have waterfront property.

10. When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown","backatown", riverside", "lakeside! ", "northshore", "westbank", "…

For All the Porn Fans Out There

Not sure how many of you have seen the porno movie "Pirates" but if you haven't, and you're into that sort of thing, I highly recommend it. It's the highest budget adult film to date and has my favorite porn star, Janine, in it. Great sets, great costumes, and of course sex, so that's a good and happy thing. :) Anyway, we found this news article and B and I almost laughed ourselves silly...I had to share:

http://www.local6.com/news/6251846/detail.html

Quick Jen Update

Good morning, blog world! I've survived my first week of my new schedule and thought I'd update everyone on my progress...

School is terrific but intensive, I'm absolutely digging the course material and can't wait to get my license and get busy with my new career! After 12 years of not being in school, my brain had to be practically kicked to get it to remember my study habits. Now that I've done schoolwork every night this week (and most of the day yesterday), I'm finally getting back into a groove with it. I'm in the process of working ahead with my homework so I'm not stuck doing it til 11 pm every night after class. This next week should go much more smoothly! :)

Had an interesting turn of events with my work situation this week. My most stressful employer (unfortunately it was also my biggest source of income too) and I parted ways on Thursday. In a lot of ways I'm relieved to have her out of my life and B will certainly be happy that she's …

For the Women (Aka Man Bashing Jokes)

Teehee, Country Shelli send this one to me and it wouldn't be so funny to me if so many of these weren't true! LOL! Hope this makes y'all smile...

--------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

--------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

--------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

--------------------

He said - Shall w…

Devo 2.0?

My lil brother sent me this email and I laughed out loud when I read it...then immediately went into horrified and speechless mode when I clicked the link. Here's the email in its entirety...

There are really no words to describe how disappointed I am that this
actually exists... I don't even know how to really comprehend that this is
real...

http://disney.go.com/disneyrecords/Song-Albums/devo20/

Apparently some big wig at Disney decided what kids now-a-days really want
is a 5 kid family band to cover synth pop hits of the 80's very poorly. To
be further horrified, go to the video section and watch "Big Mess" or "Whip
It" in which the video is about using beaters to make a whip cream.
*Shutters*

King of Beers...

Billy sent this along and while I'm not a beer drinker myself, I have plenty of friends who would definitely agree with the sentiment here. LOL!

At the World Brewing convention held in the States, the CEO's of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the day's conference sessions.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strylya we make the best bloody beer in the whole world, so be good enough to pour me a Bloody Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "Here in the States we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all, so gimme a Bud."

Hans, CEO of Becks, steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das bier, verdamt. Giff me ein Becks, ja das ist der real Koenig of biers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would you give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Thanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement and disbelief written all over …

Top 10 Signs You're an Alternative Lifestyle Cowboy

This one's stolen directly from Army of Mom and I love it! Too good not to repost for sure. :)

From David Letterman:

Top 10 Signs You Are An Alternative Lifestyle Cowboy
10. Your saddle is Versace.
9. Instead of Home on the Range, you sing It's Raining Men
8. You enjoy ridin', ropin' and redecoratin'.
7. Sold your livestock to buy tickets to Mamma Mia!
6. After watching reruns of Gunsmoke, you have to take a cold shower.
5. Native Americans refer to you as Dances With Men.
4. You've been lassoed more times than most steers.
3. You're wearing chaps, yet your "ranch" is in Chelsea.
2. Instead of a saloon, you prefer a salon.
1. You love riding, but you don't have a horse.

Natural Cure

This one actually came from my mom-person and it's a good one. The disclaimer seems to overlook the possible dwi side effect tho. LOL! Hope y'all enjoy!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.


Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant …

Why I Love My Husband

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I get home from class last night with two more hours of homework to do before tonight's class, and here's what I find on our kitchen bar:



My baby bought me pretty pink flowers for my first day back to school. Gods, I love him so much!

LOTR humor. :)

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Billy sent this to me and I had to pass it on. I hope you guys think it's as funny as I do! LOL!

Question of Four

I'm ganking this from Army of Mom's post cuz it sounded fun. :)

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Secretary inside the FW Zoo
2. MHMR secretary inside the Tarrant County Jail
3. RJ Reynolds rep at convenience stores
4. Entertainer (aka stripper)

Four movies you could watch over and over:
1. Heavy Metal
2. Cheech and Chong movies
3. Any of the John Hughes films from the 80s
4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Four places you have lived:
1. Fort Worth, TX
2. Van Nuys, CA
3. Oak Harbor, WA
4. Dallas, TX

Four places you've been on vacation:
1. New Orleans, LA
2. Los Angeles, CA
3. Colorado Springs, CO
4. Joplin, MO (don't laugh, I have a lot of family there...)

Four websites you visit daily:
1. Gmail
2. Myspace
3. Baboon Pirates
4. Woot!

Four of your favorite foods:
1. Mexican food
2. Asian food (any and all types)
3. Cajun food
4. Greek food

Four places you'd rather be right now:
1. Back in my bed with my sweetie
2. On a massage table getting worked on
3. In the middle of a sweaty pile of bodies
4.…

Guess I'm Going Straight to Hell, Oops. :)

I ganked this quiz from Mendy on myspace and it's totally worth taking. It reads like a purity test which amused me greatly. Feel free to comment and let me know what your scores/results are. I got a score of 213 which means I'm going straight to hell, LOL!

http://www.hotlanta.com/helltest.htm

What NOT To Do On a Job Interview!

Thanks to My Shelly for sending this to me, I can't imagine wtf these people were thinking?!?

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. ''... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.''

2. ''She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.''

3. ''A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.''

4. ''... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.''

5. ''... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve''

6. ''Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo…

Business News: What's Up With Jen's Job?

I haven't blogged about my job situation in a long time so I thought I'd better update everyone on what's going on with me. My job hunt has ended and I'm no longer looking for another boring day job in the mortgage industry. I'm gainfully self employed as of January 1st, woohoo! Lemme tell you a story...

It's no secret that I've been in and out of therapy my whole life and that it's done me a lot of good. So during the month of December, I had made up my mind that I was going to take that month as a "Mental Health Month". I started bartering with two different therapists doing office work for them in trade for sessions. As the month rolled on and I realized that therapists are not paper people, they're people people, and I had a brilliant plan: I can do contract office work and avoid the whole lame day job thing entirely! So as of January 1st, I changed from a barter to a billing situation with both the ladies that I'd been working with…

Green Eggs and Ham Anyone?

It's like a Dr. Seuss dream come true! :)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10818583/

My New Year's Was Great!

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We had a ton o fun on New Year's Eve, with a big party at Billy's new place. It was also his housewarming party, and the "stock the bar" effort went very nicely...he ended up with more booze than he had room for in the bar area, yay! We began early with a delicious bbq dinner that Billy worked on smoking all day long and side dishes/desserts brought by the rest of us. The food was delicious and abundant and we lucked into some leftovers after the fact. :)

The group was definitely varied but it was *so* cool to have all my different groups of friends represented in one place. We probably ended up having 50-60 people throughout the course of the evening. We only had a two people whose bodies rebelled against them at the party and we're pretty sure one of them was an actual flu bug rather than a drinking limitation issue. :) Nothing major got broken and the brand new carpet survived without a hitch...so it was definitely a success! Everyone who came had a good time a…

Calvin & Hobbes

Here are a bunch of wintery Calvin & Hobbes cartoons that Billy sent to me. They were too big to put into a post so I made a little page instead. Y'all enjoy!

Calvin & Hobbes

The Most Powerful Word?

My friend Joy sent this to me...ya know, I've never thought about this before but it's pretty amazing how versatile this word is! LOL!

The Most Powerful Word?


Well, SHIT...
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.


You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.


With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.


Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.


There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.


There is bull shit, chicken shit, and horse shit.


You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.


You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.


Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,…

My epitaph...

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Stolen from Freeway's myspace site. :)





Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

As If I Needed Another Reason to Hate Our President...

My Shelly sent this link to me. I must say after reading the article that I knew W was ignorant but I had no idea the depths of his brain damage. He scares me, how much longer do we have to put up with this shit?

http://www.capitolhillblue.com/artman/publish/article_7779.shtml

You Know You're a Texan When....

I ganked this one from Lane out on myspace...it's entirely too funny not to share, especially since I can relate to each and every thing on here! LOL!

You know youre a texan when...

*You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Mexia, Waco, and Amarillo.
*A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
*You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
*You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
*You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
*You measure distance in minutes.
*Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
*You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
*You know cowpies are not made of beef.
*Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
*You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your f…

A Letter From A Third Grade Teacher

OHMIGAWD! My Shelly sent this to me and there's no *way* I was gonna keep it to myself. I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I did! ROFLMAO!

A Letter From A Third Grade Teacher Sent Home To Pagan Parents

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the room with her pencil in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her art class is in an hour and to please refrain until then to do any drawing.

And speaking of art class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what…

First Survey of the New Year :)

Here's one that I've seen floating around on myspace and Da Jules is the one who posted it most recently. Here I go! :)

THE LAST PERSON WHO:

1. Slept in your bed: B, duh!
2. Saw you cry: B, duh again!
3. Made you cry: B...man, it must suck to be him! ;-)
4. Went to the movies with you: It's sad but I can't remember the last movie I saw at the theater. Maybe B and Jules for Willy Wonka?
5. You went to the mall with: Jules on Xmas eve!
7. You went to dinner with: B
8. You talked on the phone: My sister at 1:30 this morning. :)
9. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it: B but I said it a lot last nite to my dearest friends that I had the good fortune to celebrate the new year with.
10. Broke your heart: Scott
11. Made you laugh: Billy when he figured out about the army men hidden all over his house this morning
12. Bought you something: Jules, we got our Xmas gifts last nite!


W O U L D Y O U R A T H E R

1. pierce your nose or tongue? My tongue but only because my nose is …